Lessons in Bar Hopping, for the Novice

1. Chesterfield Valley? Bad choice, even though the intent was to find somewhere a bit more familiar and perhaps simpler to ease into.

2. Don't go alone. You're bound to get nasty looks and bad service.

3. Do not - under any circumstances - talk to a fellow guy. Even if he is speaking loudly about a professional topic trying to figure out something with which you have a great deal of experience, you will not receive a warm welcome.

4. People go out in groups. Do not try to talk an individual that is out with someone or someones else, no matter the circumstance.

Good Lord...

I was sent on a business trip recently, and that means plenty of time on planes. I usually sit silent and read next to strangers, sometimes get talking, often times get job offers. This time, I wound up sitting next to a preacher that wanted to talk. Really wanted to talk.

We were flying to LA and I mentioned that I used to live there.

"Oh, you have family there?" he asked.

"Well, I did when I live there. My mother."

"Oh? She moved away with you?" he continued.

"No...she passed away."

"Oh, illness?"

"No..."

"An accident?"

At which point, I hesitantly filled in the blank. "Suicide."

I should take the time to point out that I have no problems with people of faith, no problems with preachers at all. Hell, two good college friends wound up heading to seminary and we can still talk with no problems whatsoever.

But this preacher replied along the lines of, "I'm sorry. The path to salvation is a tough one, and some just aren't strong enough."

Did he just tell me that my mother's going to hell? Well, now I've got to fuck with him...

I started innocently enough. "So, tell me about your denomination. Are they liberal...?"

"Oh, yes, we're fairly progressive."

"Oh, so you accept homosexuals and such?"

"Well...ummm...no. As leviticus says..." at which point he quoted fairly convincingly, ending with the bit about an, "abomination."

I'm glad he did. Because then I was able to jump in, "Oh, that's a nice shirt. Looks like it would be a pain to iron. It is 100% cotton, right? 'Cause Leviticus also bans clothing woven of many materials."

At this point, he started going on about what really matters in the Old Testament and Jesus's new contract with mankind and such. I let him go on for a few minutes before jumping back in.

"Oh, but you agree with the Bible on the big stuff, right? Like, what is the order of creation?"

He proceeded to do a pretty good rendition of the seven days story of Genesis 1.

To which I replied, "Oh, so you don't believe in the literal word of the Bible?"

He shot me a confused look, and I asked to borrow the Bible sitting in his lap. Opening it to chapter two - the Adam and Even story - I read out what it described as the order of creation - a different order than the first chapter.

The look on his face was priceless. He didn't say another word the rest of the flight. And I had no guilt about hogging the armrest.

Obvious Joke

I watched The Men Who Stare at Goats this evening. It wasn't great, but it's definitely the best movie about Jedi that Ewen McGregor has ever made.

Talkin' 'Bout My Generation

I got into an interesting conversation with my father this evening. His father has recently passed away and his reminiscence turned to the so-called Greatest Generation. He talked about World War II and it's aftermath.

After a while, I had a thought: his Greatest Generation got done fighting a massive world war and immediately set it's sights to rebuilding all of Europe (and Japan).

We can't even keep the lights on twenty-four hours straight in a small-ish Middle-Eastern country.

That's What She Said

I overheard a gal asking her friends to send "positive energy" her way. I had to resist telling her to go lick an anode.

The One-Handed Chef

You know what I like? Salad. It's still tough to type from my wrist surgery earlier in the week, but here's a recipe that can even be made with one hand:

Grab a shot glass. We're going to make a single serving of fresh vinagrette salad dressing.

Start by adding around an eight of an inch of good balsamic vinegar. This will contribute a lot of the flavor, so do yourself a favour and get a good wood-aged balsamic. Or something.

Fill the rest of the glass with extra-virgin olive oil. You don't need to go to the top; leave room to stir.

Finally, add some mixed Italian seasonings. Pretty much any type will do, and it can be fun to mix it up. I generally like something with at least a little saltiness.

Mix it up, stiring vigorously up and down, and set aside.

Next: go get yourself a big bowl and fill it up with the lettuce of your choice. I like spring greens for their pungent flavors, but anything will do. Just don't do iceburg. Really, it's not worth it.

You can add just about anything else you want. I like raisins for their sweetness and almond slices for their...almond-iness. Crutons are tasty, too, as is just about any fresh fruit. Be creative.

Finish by stirring up that dressing again (it settles quickly) and poring it over the salad. Done!

There you go: a good basic recipe that can be thrown together one-handed in less than five minutes. It's extremely healthy and there are plenty of opportunities for variety. It's the type of recipe you can make a couple of times every week and never get bored. Or fat.

If you try this, leave a comment and let me know how it goes.

Under Ten

Against my better judgement, I tried to watch the premier of the new season of Heroes. It started off with Claire starting college. She is convinced to take a placement test to land a limited seat in "Linear Algebra 170."

If someone in the writing department bothered to research a single thing, they'd know that not only do colleges generally not have competitions for placement - especially not with freshmen - Linear Algebra is in no way a 100 level class*.

I turned it off under ten minutes in.


*Just for reference, my college placed Linear Algebra just after Calculus III.